Take THAT 2010!

So, I was fighting off misery pretty hard last night. As midnight crept up on me, so did rage, heartache, disbelief, loneliness, betrayal, panic, and self disgust. I managed to distract myself (mostly) long enough to get through the stroke of midnight. There was a flicker of jealousy and quick stab to the chest as Atlanta passed into 2011, but all in all, it was insignificant. I felt victorious. Yeah, victorious... right up until I closed my door behind me and realized that no matter how well I had done at distracting myself, I was alone again.

It made me a little disgusted, and a lot frustrated with myself for letting such a silly thing as being alone make me feel so horrid. Where did I get off being such a pansy, anyway? I mean, had I not completely kicked ass this year? In the grand scheme of things, had I not totally spanked the pants off of 2010? You're damned right I did! So, I decided to show myself, in black and white, just how hard I rock. I wrote a list of my accomplishments for the year, which I will share with whoever decides to give this stupid blog a moment of their time. I may write future entries about some of these accomplishments, but for now, they're self explanatory enough, I think.

So, without further adieu, I present my accomplishments =)
In 2010 I...

1. took my life back.
2. rediscovered my creativity.
3. saw my family again
4. re-connected with my father
5. "met" two of my best friends, after so many years.
6. refused to let that car wreck break me.
7. stopped trying to be everyone's savior.
8. let go of the misery of the past (more than a few) years.
9. crossed Eric Clapton off of my bucket list.
10. allowed myself to fall in love.
11. discovered that people CAN get past my walls without my consent.
12. accepted the fear that comes with #11.
13. identified emotions other than anger and joy.
14. accepted that I am allowed to be happy.
15. found that someone really could love me in the body I was in.
16. learned to lean on someone else emotionally.
17. learned that you can lean too hard.
18. allowed myself to feel pain, and also, to heal.
19. stared heartbreak in the face... and kissed it on the cheek.
20. allowed myself to be completely vulnerable, got burned BAD, and lived to tell about it.
21. assumed responsibility for my body.
22. lost 44 pounds.
23. quit smoking. (Technically, this happened Dec. 30th of 2009, but anyone who argues with me on this one is gonna get a punch in the nuts... even if you don't have nuts)
24. looked in the mirror and saw beauty.
25. started meditating.
26. learned to harness my thoughts and feelings, by writing them down when they're flying around in my head too fast to make sense of them.
27. gave up, opened my heart to a higher power, and asked for help.
28. made new friends.
29. kept up with old ones.
30. recognized signs that were set in my path.
31. finally painted.
32. actually managed to show people what I'd painted, and even gave one away.
33. admitted when I was wrong.
34. learned that all of the answers I need, are already inside of me. I just need to ask the right questions.
35. learned to accept reality, rather than fight tooth and nail to stay on a path that I decided was the right one to walk.
36. made the decision to live my life purposefully instead of acting unconsciously.
38. learned to knit.
39. made myself a beautiful space that encourages my creativity.
40. decided to stop waiting for the perfect moment to start living.
41. bridged the gap between emotional and physical intimacy (no, really... I finally did that!)
42. made the commitment to keep my place tidy... and stuck to it.
43. made a genuine attempt to embrace the Christmas spirit.
44. resolved to never act in anger, unless I'm positive that my anger is justified.
45. started striving for balance, rather than striving for "feeling happy".
46. let myself truly grieve over losing Jennifer.
47. let go of the guilt I felt when my Grandfather died.
48. recognized that I am still struggling with all things relating to my Mother, but am actively working on them.
49. forgave myself for being human
50. made a New Years resolution to find the beauty in all things, dwell in it, create it, BE it, and let it heal me.
For I am nothing more than a wounded person who is determined to heal.

Happy New Year, people. May you find the strength that you need, and the help that I found in 2010, and may you all feel as triumphant as I feel, this moment.

Peace.