So, I'm having a really hard time writing the "Duncan" blog. Putting into words all of the reasons that I fell in love with him has turned out to be incredibly painful for me. I realize that it is the next logical entry, considering where I ended the last, but it's just too much right now. That being said, I am changing the subject, temporarily, for my own sanity.
New subject: Jennifer- My Jenny girl. My sunshine. My reason to smile, almost every day that I was in Nebraska.
I just heard "Long December" while I was driving home. There is one line in particular ("I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass") that has always guided my mind to Jennifer, and likely always will. That line makes me smile a little. It make me cry a little, too. I smile, because it makes me remember so many awesome moments with her. I cry, because I then wonder how many details I've forgotten. How many shining moments I've let slip from the grasp of my memory. If I could pay to have every memory on DVD, there would be no price too high. I'd make 100 copies and send it to anyone who would protect one for me, in case my copies were destroyed.
God, I miss her. Even still, there is seldom a day where she fails to enter my thoughts. Still, a single thought of her makes my heart swell with more love than I knew I was capable of feeling. Still, I have no words to convey how much she meant to me, or what she changed in me, or how much less of a person I would be if I had never known her. Still, my life is not right without her.
I can't imagine a thing that I wouldn't give up for another sleepy afternoon of snuggling, or for a few laps around the ADC, watching the faces of every single person she passed, light up at the sight of her. Nothing would make me happier than to hear her voice again, giggling at me when I tickled her, or screaming at me for stealing her book. Well, nothing except maybe seeing her smile, or feeling her hug me tightly and press a big squishy kiss on my forehead. I envy the angels who now get those moments.
I wonder if she knew how perfect she was (sometimes I think she was plenty aware!). I wonder if she had any idea how many lives she changed, simply by being. She opened my heart. She made me remember that I even had one to open. She woke me up, slapped me across the face, held up a big huge mirror for me to look into, and loved me even though the reflection in that mirror was a complete disaster. She forced me to be responsible and to hold myself accountable for something other than my own fleeting desire. She made me pay attention and ask questions, all without saying a word. Her silence made me find my own answers. She showed me what it means to truly love someone else more than you could ever love yourself. For that, I will forever be in her debt.
They say that time heals all wounds. I don't know if that's very accurate. Her death hurts no less today than it did the moment I heard the words fall from Vern's mouth. I doubt it will ever hurt any less. I'll take it though. I'd rather feel that pain twice a day for the rest of my life than trade it for the memories, the lessons, or the love.
Jennifer, my love, you are the reason that I am the person I am today. You taught me more, and showed me more love than I have any right to hope for from another person. I miss you more than I can even begin to express, and I hope that wherever you are, whoever you're with loves you as much as I do. Thank you, thank you, baby girl, for changing my life.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Courageous dignity in the presence of fate.
I’ll start this by saying that my life has been a daily struggle since I lived in MA. I haven’t been happy since then. Sometimes, I think that leaving there was the biggest mistake of my life. It’s been nearly ten years since I left New England, and my life has been out of control. I’ve been fighting that every single day. Trying with every ounce of energy that I can find, to manage my life, to control it, to make things go according to my plan. Most days there wasn’t much energy and there wasn’t a very good plan, but being in control is my nature. It’s all I’ve ever known, and it’s the only thing I’m comfortable with. I’ve never felt much of a need to control anybody else, but always to be in complete control of me. “Good things don’t happen to you unless you make them happen.” I’ve always believed that to be true… until now.
Some people will think that I must be very strong and very brave if it took 10 years of fighting before I finally gave in. Some people will be wrong. It seems to me that strength and bravery require stepping outside of your comfort zone, not hiding inside of it. When all you know how to do is fight, it takes true bravery to put down your sword and your shield, and admit defeat. When you’ve been taught to rely on no one but yourself, it takes more strength to ask for help than it does to pretend you’ve got it under control. When you’ve been told that God will hand you nothing that you cannot handle, it takes an awful lot to make you realize that that’s not entirely true.
Realizing that there truly is something greater and more powerful out there than I will ever be, has been a sobering, terrifying, painful experience. It has also been the most beautiful, freeing, exhilarating thing I’ve ever been through. Surrendering to that power, admitting that I can’t do everything on my own, and realizing that my plan is worthless – that has been the biggest test of my character. I have managed to make it through those things. Now, my work is to embody “grace under pressure” and to have “courageous dignity in the presence of fate.” To surrender as a result of fear is a shameful thing. To make the conscious decision to surrender, and to do so with dignity – sometimes, that is an act to be respected.
I suppose now is the time to explain how I’ve come to these conclusions. The breakdown that I wrote about in the first entry of this blog was a defining moment for me. It was as though all of the heartache, pain, and struggle of the past ten years had come crashing down on my soul at once. It’s a bit difficult for me to admit that the catalyst for all of this was heartbreak. I know, I know, you’re all thinking “Heartbreak? You? The one who has such little tolerance for romantic sentiments? The one doesn’t do that icky love stuff?”. Yeah, I stand before you a humbled person. Every once in awhile, it gets me in it’s grasp and pinches my flesh between it’s razor sharp talons (See? I still think it’s cruel, and it’s not all hearts and flowers like some people make it out to be. I haven’t gone completely mad!). Now is one of those times. Right when I thought that things were as bad as they could be, and bound to stay that way forever… Well, that’s when I met Duncan.
Some people will think that I must be very strong and very brave if it took 10 years of fighting before I finally gave in. Some people will be wrong. It seems to me that strength and bravery require stepping outside of your comfort zone, not hiding inside of it. When all you know how to do is fight, it takes true bravery to put down your sword and your shield, and admit defeat. When you’ve been taught to rely on no one but yourself, it takes more strength to ask for help than it does to pretend you’ve got it under control. When you’ve been told that God will hand you nothing that you cannot handle, it takes an awful lot to make you realize that that’s not entirely true.
Realizing that there truly is something greater and more powerful out there than I will ever be, has been a sobering, terrifying, painful experience. It has also been the most beautiful, freeing, exhilarating thing I’ve ever been through. Surrendering to that power, admitting that I can’t do everything on my own, and realizing that my plan is worthless – that has been the biggest test of my character. I have managed to make it through those things. Now, my work is to embody “grace under pressure” and to have “courageous dignity in the presence of fate.” To surrender as a result of fear is a shameful thing. To make the conscious decision to surrender, and to do so with dignity – sometimes, that is an act to be respected.
I suppose now is the time to explain how I’ve come to these conclusions. The breakdown that I wrote about in the first entry of this blog was a defining moment for me. It was as though all of the heartache, pain, and struggle of the past ten years had come crashing down on my soul at once. It’s a bit difficult for me to admit that the catalyst for all of this was heartbreak. I know, I know, you’re all thinking “Heartbreak? You? The one who has such little tolerance for romantic sentiments? The one doesn’t do that icky love stuff?”. Yeah, I stand before you a humbled person. Every once in awhile, it gets me in it’s grasp and pinches my flesh between it’s razor sharp talons (See? I still think it’s cruel, and it’s not all hearts and flowers like some people make it out to be. I haven’t gone completely mad!). Now is one of those times. Right when I thought that things were as bad as they could be, and bound to stay that way forever… Well, that’s when I met Duncan.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
"Where much is born, Much is torn." -Bradley White
October 5th.
This afternoon in the car, I cried out to God. Or gods. Or goddesses. I cried out to anyone/anything that may be able to hear me. I asked for guidance. I asked for an answer. No, that's a lie. This was beyond asking. I begged. I pleaded. I literally, physically cried out through my tears, and with ragged breath- in a moment of absolute agony.
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm headed, or how to get there. I don't know what obstacles I will find along my path. What I do know is- that moment in the car... that was desperation. That is what lost feels like. THAT, was spiritual and emotional death. Having to admit that you can't do it on your own is no easy task. (Especially for me). I have finally hit my bottom, but that is okay. For once in my life, I know that after a period of rest- after the ashes have settled, and the embers have died down- I will be reborn.
This is the first moment of clarity that I've had in a very long time, maybe ever. What's funny about it, is that it has given me no concrete answers. It has come in the form of peace. Finally, a moment of peace. This is what I've been asking for... this single moment. I've been begging for it for years, and God has finally handed it to me. My job now, is to make the most of it, and see if I can learn how to get back to this place.
Who knows if anyone will read this blog. Who knows if anyone will care. Honestly, it matters not. I'm not writing it for you, but I do invite you to tag along.
Welcome. This is my journey.
This afternoon in the car, I cried out to God. Or gods. Or goddesses. I cried out to anyone/anything that may be able to hear me. I asked for guidance. I asked for an answer. No, that's a lie. This was beyond asking. I begged. I pleaded. I literally, physically cried out through my tears, and with ragged breath- in a moment of absolute agony.
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm headed, or how to get there. I don't know what obstacles I will find along my path. What I do know is- that moment in the car... that was desperation. That is what lost feels like. THAT, was spiritual and emotional death. Having to admit that you can't do it on your own is no easy task. (Especially for me). I have finally hit my bottom, but that is okay. For once in my life, I know that after a period of rest- after the ashes have settled, and the embers have died down- I will be reborn.
This is the first moment of clarity that I've had in a very long time, maybe ever. What's funny about it, is that it has given me no concrete answers. It has come in the form of peace. Finally, a moment of peace. This is what I've been asking for... this single moment. I've been begging for it for years, and God has finally handed it to me. My job now, is to make the most of it, and see if I can learn how to get back to this place.
Who knows if anyone will read this blog. Who knows if anyone will care. Honestly, it matters not. I'm not writing it for you, but I do invite you to tag along.
Welcome. This is my journey.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
