A moment of Jenny

So, I'm having a really hard time writing the "Duncan" blog. Putting into words all of the reasons that I fell in love with him has turned out to be incredibly painful for me. I realize that it is the next logical entry, considering where I ended the last, but it's just too much right now. That being said, I am changing the subject, temporarily, for my own sanity.

New subject: Jennifer- My Jenny girl. My sunshine. My reason to smile, almost every day that I was in Nebraska.



I just heard "Long December" while I was driving home. There is one line in particular ("I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass") that has always guided my mind to Jennifer, and likely always will. That line makes me smile a little. It make me cry a little, too. I smile, because it makes me remember so many awesome moments with her. I cry, because I then wonder how many details I've forgotten. How many shining moments I've let slip from the grasp of my memory. If I could pay to have every memory on DVD, there would be no price too high. I'd make 100 copies and send it to anyone who would protect one for me, in case my copies were destroyed.

God, I miss her. Even still, there is seldom a day where she fails to enter my thoughts. Still, a single thought of her makes my heart swell with more love than I knew I was capable of feeling. Still, I have no words to convey how much she meant to me, or what she changed in me, or how much less of a person I would be if I had never known her. Still, my life is not right without her.

I can't imagine a thing that I wouldn't give up for another sleepy afternoon of snuggling, or for a few laps around the ADC, watching the faces of every single person she passed, light up at the sight of her. Nothing would make me happier than to hear her voice again, giggling at me when I tickled her, or screaming at me for stealing her book. Well, nothing except maybe seeing her smile, or feeling her hug me tightly and press a big squishy kiss on my forehead. I envy the angels who now get those moments.

I wonder if she knew how perfect she was (sometimes I think she was plenty aware!). I wonder if she had any idea how many lives she changed, simply by being. She opened my heart. She made me remember that I even had one to open. She woke me up, slapped me across the face, held up a big huge mirror for me to look into, and loved me even though the reflection in that mirror was a complete disaster. She forced me to be responsible and to hold myself accountable for something other than my own fleeting desire. She made me pay attention and ask questions, all without saying a word. Her silence made me find my own answers. She showed me what it means to truly love someone else more than you could ever love yourself. For that, I will forever be in her debt.

They say that time heals all wounds. I don't know if that's very accurate. Her death hurts no less today than it did the moment I heard the words fall from Vern's mouth. I doubt it will ever hurt any less. I'll take it though. I'd rather feel that pain twice a day for the rest of my life than trade it for the memories, the lessons, or the love.

Jennifer, my love, you are the reason that I am the person I am today. You taught me more, and showed me more love than I have any right to hope for from another person. I miss you more than I can even begin to express, and I hope that wherever you are, whoever you're with loves you as much as I do. Thank you, thank you, baby girl, for changing my life.