Ignorance is *not* always bliss.

So there I was, staring at my laptop, in shock. Had I really let myself get back to this place? Morbidly obese. I let those words sink in for a few minutes. I cried. I'm almost crying now, just thinking about it. Then, I thought about my body fat percentage. 60% body fat. Really think about that. That's disgusting. Over half of my body was fat. I cried a some more. My thoughts wandered to a conversation that I'd had a couple months prior. I had been whining to my friend Jason about how sick I was of being fat. He said something that infuriated me. He said "So lose it. It's simple math. Burn more calories than you eat. You *have* to lose weight." How dare he? What did he know about it anyway? I didn't eat that badly. I knew people who ate way more than I did. Besides, when was the last time *he* gained 50 pounds in 6 months, after having a miscarriage? Screw him. Who asked him anyway? Jerk. Looking back, I realize that what really angered me about what he'd said, was that he was holding me accountable for my weight. He was right. It was my fault. Miscarriage, or not. My fat - *my* fault. Shit.

Part of me wanted to make a huge commitment to myself, to go on some insane diet and lose it all. Most of me was petrified by the thought. A bit of me was still in denial. So, I decided that I should keep track of my caloric intake (to prove stupid Jason wrong, of course). What I wish, is that I would have done it before I had stopped eating. I honestly can't even fathom the number of calories that I put into my body every day before all of this. Why? Because I ate unconsciously and chose to remain ignorant. Most of us have this attitude of "If I am not knowledgeable, I don't have to be responsible". Funny thing about that... It's garbage. If you get pulled over for speeding, and tell the cop that you didn't know what the speed limit was, does he care? Absolutely not. Ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking it. The cop only cares that a law has been broken, and the price must be paid. Well, guess what. Your ass doesn't care whether, or not you know how many calories you shove in your face. It only cares that the act has been committed, and the pounds must be gained.

So, the next day, I started counting calories. It was time consuming, frustrating, and shocking. Day one started with a McDonald's sausage, egg, and cheese croissant, hash brown, coffee with cream and sugar, orange juice, and a banana (you know... for health). 927 calories already? Damn. This is going to suck. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten myself back into the habit of eating. That's okay, I'll be good for lunch. Jamaican beef patty and green beans 434 calories. Not as bad, but now I'm up to 1361. Wasn't I supposed to have 1800 or so a day??? I'm eating less than I used to, though. Grrr. Snack time. A cheese stick. Ehm, times two. 140 calories. Huh. Dinner was bound to be bad. John was stuck here, on his way to East Bum, because of the weather. Naturally, we went to a bar. There is bar food in bars. I like bar food :) Potato skin, french fries, lentil soup (before I knew John was in town) 2 Blue Moons, and a chicken wing. 1362 calories. You've got to be kidding me. I'm so screwed.

My whole life, I'd sworn that I would never be the girl who counted every calorie. I hated those girls. So obnoxious with their whining, and bitching, and moaning. What a way to live. Obsessing about everything you eat. I'd rather be fat... or would I? On second thought, was I really any better? I was miserable, too. I may have eaten anything I wanted, but I couldn't look in a mirror without hating the reflection I saw. I couldn't go shopping without wanting to hang myself from a dressing room stall, with a pair of spanx. Don't even get me started on pictures. I'd have pushed an old lady into oncoming traffic to get away from someone with a camera. Forget about it. Could counting calories really be much worse? Not likely. I was so stunned by my first day at this, that I decided to do it again the next day, to see if it was a fluke. Sadly, not a fluke. It wasn't quite as bad, but it certainly wasn't a ton better.

Okay Lyndsey. Time to buckle down. You claim to be so strong, and determined. Walk the walk. The site says 1850 a day. I say 1600. I want to lose more than a pound a week. This will take forever at that rate. I have 86 pounds left to lose. So, I turned into "that girl". The one who read the nutritional information on *everything*. The one who said no the bag of Doritos that was calling her from the cupboard. The girl who had a salad for lunch every day. The girl who obsessed about everything that she out into her mouth.

That's where the story ends for the night. I'll leave you with a piece of advice, just in case you're so anxious to start calorie counting (yeah RIGHT), that you can't wait until the next blog. Don't change ANYTHING. Keep eating exactly the same way that you have been. Just record it for awhile. Write it down, type it in, whatever you're comfortable with. Just keep a log of every single thing that passes your lips. No cheating. No skipping. No rounding down on the calories. No taking a bite of someone else's something, without recording it. From the sugar in your coffee, to the mini Snickers that you take out of the candy bowl on some evil person's desk. The apple slice that you stole out of your kids "healthier" Happy Meal... that counts too. Record it right away, or you *will* forget. I promise you, you eat things throughout the day that you forget about before your head hits the pillow. Don't wait, just record it. Use Google to find the calorie content for things that you're unsure of. Often, it will take you to www.livestrong.com. Another great resource. Remember, you have no one to answer to, except yourself. If you genuinely want to lose the weight, you can't lie about what you put into your body anymore, and you can't keep yourself in the dark about it, either. Just look at it as a learning tool.

Until next time, dear reader, goodnight :)